Since we all know my take on children--let's talk about the other blood lined relations we are responsible for.....our AGING PARENTS.
I for one feel it is my absolute duty to care for the well-being of my parents. Sadly, too many "adult children" remain in the position as "child" and continue to take from their parents even though they should be quite capable to fend for themselves, but don't.
My parents are both 60 years old. By no means considered elderly, but statistics show that most life altering illnesses develop during this period of your life and if you beat it---you have a greater chance of survival through the 80's.
So what does this mean to me? It means that I should and can do as much as possible to make their life a little easier. It is my obligation and I do it without any reservations. I know people who still take money from their parents, make them babysitters, basically let their beloved parents fend for themselves with household maintenance and physical obligations.
I say to these overgrown thumb suckers.....shame on you! The years that our parents are discovering are supposed to be joyous and hassle free. We should not drown them with our sorrows and we should make as many sacrifices as necessary to ensure their comfort and security. On a personal note....my only brother is one of these children. He selfishly bombards my parents with his woes in life and I constantly provide all that I can for their comfort.
We need to remember that our parents are responsible for our initial existence and up until we reach maturity, but not for the duration of our lives. The tables should turn and we should want to make life as easy as possible. My parents pretend as if they don't want my help...but they do and they generally appreciate it.
My question to all of you is: Do you or will you provide for your parents when necessary? Do you feel it is your obligation or a priviledge?
I for one feel it is my absolute duty to care for the well-being of my parents. Sadly, too many "adult children" remain in the position as "child" and continue to take from their parents even though they should be quite capable to fend for themselves, but don't.
My parents are both 60 years old. By no means considered elderly, but statistics show that most life altering illnesses develop during this period of your life and if you beat it---you have a greater chance of survival through the 80's.
So what does this mean to me? It means that I should and can do as much as possible to make their life a little easier. It is my obligation and I do it without any reservations. I know people who still take money from their parents, make them babysitters, basically let their beloved parents fend for themselves with household maintenance and physical obligations.
I say to these overgrown thumb suckers.....shame on you! The years that our parents are discovering are supposed to be joyous and hassle free. We should not drown them with our sorrows and we should make as many sacrifices as necessary to ensure their comfort and security. On a personal note....my only brother is one of these children. He selfishly bombards my parents with his woes in life and I constantly provide all that I can for their comfort.
We need to remember that our parents are responsible for our initial existence and up until we reach maturity, but not for the duration of our lives. The tables should turn and we should want to make life as easy as possible. My parents pretend as if they don't want my help...but they do and they generally appreciate it.
My question to all of you is: Do you or will you provide for your parents when necessary? Do you feel it is your obligation or a priviledge?
8 comments:
Sunny, I'm 100% behind you on this topic! I joined the Air Force at 18 and never again asked my mom for one penny in financial support after that.
After 7 years in the service and hearing countless stories about my other three brothers and sister still leaching off my mom, I decided to let all of them have an earful about growing up and standing up on their own two feet.
With five kids, I told them there was no reason why my mom shouldn't be getting $100 a month ($25 a week or less than $4 a day) from each of us as a token of our gratitude for her to spend on whatever she likes. She worked two jobs just to put us through private schools all the way through HS. In my opinion, everything we are today is a direct result of her past sacrifice and effort.
I even decided to put my money where my mouth was and setup an automatic monthly payment for her in 1990 which has been continuously going to her for 17 years now ($20,400 if you do the math). Luckily, my twin brother and sister eventually followed my lead to do the same. The last two holdouts continue to make lame excuses why they can't or haven't done so yet.
All I can say Don is you are an amazing person. I wish I could bottle up your selflessness and pour it over the rest of the world. How blessed your family is and obviously you have a wonderful mother. What is even better is that your children will also possess those fine qualities. My parents have spent their entire life struggling to make ends meet and 4 years ago when I returned back to the area I had one agenda...make a better life for my family. So far so good, still have a little ways to go, but the true effort is there. You are an inspiration Don. How wonderful the world would be if we all just gave a little back--don't you think?
I do not commend anyone for mooching off of thier parents for the heck of it. But, I found myself in a situation these last few months that put me right back into the arms of old mom. By that I mean, that I was living back at the ranch. Embarrased that at the age of 32, I could not stand on my own two feet anymore. But, I knew that this would better me in the end. My point is sometimes we as "adult kids" still need our parents to be parents to us. It does not mean that I or we, intend to mooch from them forever, it was just what I needed to get me standing again. I am very thankful that I had a place to go. Where would I have been then??
Don, you are so gracious and wonderful to of done that for your mother. There is no dought that your mother deserves your selflisness. I hope that one day soon, I will be in the financial situation to do the same for my mother! sonnie
It is what defines family--knowing they will always be there. How lucky we are to have that option...
Sonnie, one of the mottos I picked up while serving in the military was "First time is a mistake, second time is habit...we don't break mistakes, we break habits!"
If the situation you described above is the first time you've hit a rough spot in your life and needed a helping hand from good old mom, then just remember to repay her motherly love 10-fold in whatever way you can because she definitely deserves it! And hopefully, you've learned from the mistake(s) that got you into such a bad fix in the first place and have vowed never to do that again.
The people I can’t stand are repeat delinquents like my younger brother who consistently overlooks paying his rent/taxes, buying groceries for his kids, making car payments, etc only to come out later crying for handouts. One time, I got a frantic call from my mom stating his family was going to be evicted and thrown out on the street if all of us didn’t pitch in to pay the landlord 3-4 months of back rent. I told my mom that they weren’t helping him by bailing him out every time and actually told her “I’d rather flush money down the toilet before taking it away from my own family to take care of his irresponsible actions…he made his bed, now he has to sleep in it!”
I wish you all the luck in the world getting back on your feet, but please remember this: Luck is really preparation and opportunity finding a place and time to meet in the future. What are you doing today (i.e. learning, saving) in preparation for the opportunities that will most definitely come your way tomorrow?
I really like you Don thanks for hanging around. I hope you have a tremendous holiday!
CS
The feeling is mutual...it's no wonder why Ro holds you in such high esteem and suggested that I check out your blog site. I actually look forward to seeing what new topics you've thrown out there everyday for feedback. I hope you have a terrific Thanksgiving as well surrounded by family and friends!
Sun, I have always admired what you have with your parents. It doesn't surprise me that you would do anything to help! I wish more families were like that (same with Don...that is so great what you do for your mom).
Sonya, your mom is one of the sweetest women I know and you are so very lucky to have her but you know that already.
First let me say that I am not trying to complain and place blame on my parents...
I, on the other hand, have had some difficult times when I was younger that I truly don't think real parents should put their children through...just being honest. Being a parent is such an important responsibility!
With that being said, I do not hold any hatred or illwell toward either one of them and want only the best for them both. My dad had become a bigger part of my life in the past few years and I am glad that we both give it a chance. However, I don't think the bond that I've always wanted will ever be there because of my younger years but it's not a bad relationship...I have learned a lot about myself and that being a parent can be very hard for some people.
If and when the time comes for me to step up and help either one of my parents I will do so to the best of my ability because I feel that they did try most of the time and have learned from their mistakes (and I hope that I have too). They were so young and had 3 children too fast!
Now I ask you, what do I do about a mother (whom I love dearly) who needs so much help but won't do anything to help herself?! If my mom were truly happy with her life then I would find a way to be happy for her...I honestly would! However, my mom seems to be bitter/unhappy most of the time. I remember what she was like when I was younger and how nasty she could be (everything wrong in her life seem to be our fault) and it breaks my heart that my niece lives with that anger now. Unfortunately staying with her parents is not an option since neither of them can get their acts together. I will take her first! Unfortunately, my mom seems to be stuck in "ugliness" (can't really find the right word to express my view). She is angry or crying most of the time, she won't or can't make changes at work due to her current situation and age but she can put more effort into herself and her home life but instead she just seems to be sinker deeper and deeper into misery. I have spent much of my time trying to get her information that would help her and Casey but she just ignores it (fun things to do, emotional development, health informatio). I finally had enough of her complaining that no one helps her with Casey and reached out to my dad, who did not hesitate to help once asked (again all she did was complain to all of us...never once asking him for help).
I have tried countless times to visit and help her with the house and Casey or just offer to come in for a weekend so I can take her out and let her get away from home for a bit but she will not accept. She even told me once that it would stress her out more for me to come see her and help then not. I'm her oldest child and she acts like she can't have me around because that would make her stress more...she'd have to clean her place to perfection and cook and go out when she just doesn't want to anymore. I tried telling her that I would be coming in to help her with all of that but she doesn't listen. When I offer suggestions or make comments about how unhappy she sounds and that it's not healthy for her or for Casey she gets VERY DEFENSIVE and takes what I say and blows it out of proportion. I could go on and on....I have asked her to go to the doctor and see if there could be something wrong or something out there to help her get past the anxiety but she won't...she won't even take Casey to the doctor and dentist when I put so much effort into getting the coverage Casey needed (again, another example of something she liked to complain about all the time but would do nothing to resolve the problem).
She does seem to be thankful for what little bit my father and I can do but still very, very unhappy. It really hurts me to see my mother this way.
So my personal delima is not that I won't help my mother but that she won't allow anyone, including herself, help her.
I think my brother would help if asked but Tina is a different story. She would take more then should could ever give!
So, unfortunately, it seems that there are quite a few families out there that need help.
If there is ever anything I can do to help you please let me know and if you have any suggestions for me, I am all ears.
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