What is the proper protocol when one partner makes more money than the other? Is it supposed to be 50/50....or every man for them self?
According to Money Magazine women are rapidly becoming the breadwinners in the family. I say hooray, but the studies also show that these women are having to battle each day somewhat denying their success. What gives?
"Women who earn more tend to behave very differently from men who are the breadwinners according to relationships claims money expert Professor Jan Pahl."
I am not one of these women--YET. Numnuts makes substantially more than I do. I used to be OK with that---now it is my mission to surpass him. But when I do---he will want for nothing. Maybe.
Are we as couples supposed to share our earnings equally? Am I wrong for thinking that our lifestyles should be comparable?
I primarily fend for myself-he takes care of the household expenses, but hell--it's his house! I take care of all of my expenses and everything (food, supplies, etc.) that comes into this house and do everything humanly possible to make his life easier. Cook, clean, laundry, his lunches...you get the drift. He even gets his jammies set out for him at night (pathetic, I know).
Our finances are completely separate. I have a problem with that. Do I want access to his checkbook? No way....but when he wants anything and I mean anything...he gets it. This is not the case for me. I am very conservative on spending, not because I want to---I have to.
Is it fair for the breadwinner to eat all of the bread and only give the supposed love of their life a little nibble of the crust? Am I wrong for thinking that he should want to share his success with me? Keep in mind......odds are within the next 2 years...I will be earning more than him. This has been the master plan, which had always included me sharing every ounce of it with him.
What gives?
*For the record...he has done a lot for me, but he has gotten every bit of it back by the quality of care he receives.
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11 comments:
Interesting topic! I don't think it should be 50/50 unless there is a 50/50 contribution. However, you should have access to your partners check book and vice versa. It helps to build or destroy trust and is an excellent way to determine if you belong together.
Keep in mind, by whatever standard you place on Numnuts, you'll expect the same when roles are reversed. I know you would be more than willing to help him in anyway, but I don't see you buying a dingy for him.
Considering that you pay for all of your own expenses, I don't think it's fair that you don't get what you ask for:time, attention, sex....and you shouldn't have to ask for money. Hell, I don't get paid near what I'm worth, but I give mine whatever I can and you know all about that relationship.
I try to remember this: money is the root of all evil. With that being said, how couples treat each other monetarily says alot about how they treat each other!
Thanks for the interesting perspective. FYI--if I have it, I share it...always have. If he wanted the dingy for the boat--he would have it. I am always the first to rejoice in anyones success, but lately I find myself a little resentful. Not who I am. Glad you and your sweets work well with that. I agree--money can be evil, but I think it can be used to create a lot of good for many. My goal is to have plenty of it and make sure my family need not ever worry.
Citizen Sun - Wow. Based on your picture and comments you seem to be a hell of a catch. Be careful there are lots of fishermen out there that would love to have you put their jammies out for them.
Thanks, but if this one doesn't last forever--I am flying solo! I would do just fine with a few part timers. And no more jammie prep.
Okay. Nothing wrong with the catch and release idea.
What gives in deed dear??? Has he not given you that same quality of care you so proudly refer to??? Is it really about money or are you lacking something else in this "so called" relationship??? Your focus on the checkbook and reference to only being able to nibble at the crust while he enjoys the entire slice sounds like you may have some other deep seeded issues outside of what you are attempting to project here dear.. So please, what is your real issue here, please stop beating around the "reference" bush and spill your beans darling...
Hi Laura,
Nope...no deep seeded issues. Any that I have are posted for the world to see throughout this site. I am one of the more fortunate--many I know have MUCH more complex relationship issues. Just as simple as it was stated--I was asking for some input on how others handle their finances darling. I am really not interested in obtaining his checkbook (as stated). I was raised to treat every person equally and give more than I receive, but I am finding this is not the natural lay of the land anymore. So...sorry to disappoint you dear Laura, but other than loving a workaholic who makes more money than me....my "so called" relationship is normal. And you?
Normal??? Please define... I'm a typical workaholic female who strives to make mine and my families life better. I could work less, but enjoy that self confident feeling of a job well done. Don't look to hear the word from anyone, don't need or expect to hear the words, but feel it from within. As far as money & crap, well to me it's all crap my dear. In a true relationship it's share one share all. There is no me, mine, his or hers it's us and that my love is a true relationship. If he brings home $50K, $150K or $10K it make no matter because it is US. Me, him, the kids, the dog, and the cat. It's what we agreed on, what we work towards, and it is what it is and I couldn't be more thankful. Life is too damn short to get caught up in I do this for u and u do this for me blah, blah, blah. He makes x and I make y who the hell really cares when it's truely US...
Normal...."serving to establish a standard". That is my definition. We are both hard working people who are fortunate to have good families, good jobs, good morals, and a life without major controvery. So, I would say that is pretty normal.
I think it is wonderful that you have established a healthy balance in your life. I am sure it took some time and effort by all parties. I agree with the working to develop self confidence, but in my world--my work does not define me..it is something I do. My love and affections for my family define me. Glad to hear from you and thanks for sharing..dear.
I hear exacty what you're saying and sadly I'm saying something similiar in my own situation. I too have no interest in getting my hands on the checkbook. However, it would be nice, being that I do absolutely everything for my man, if he would put more priority on satisfying my monetary needs. I am a stay-at-home mom and unfortunately as honorable and important as my job is, the pay is terrible. I will soon have a career of my own and I worry that if things don't change I may not want to stick around after I am able to support myself? I am very thrifty and conservative when it comes to buying things for myself, but if it is for my man or my children, spare no expense. I joke with my family that my kids shop at Gymboree and I buy my clothes from the thrift store. Not true, but I won't even consider something for myself if it's not on sale. Ya know Citizen Sun, do you ever wonder if the problem is us? If I ask for it, I get it. I just don't want to have to ask.
Welcome 77sadge! I commend you 100% for staying home and raising your children! As much as I am focused on my personal growth, I wouldn't have it any other way. If I had to have less--I would have much less because children need to be raised by their parents..not hired caregivers. I know nowadays it often takes two incomes and I respect that as well, but if not why would anyone send their child off to be cared for by others? So thank you for giving up your wants and needs to raise great children that will someday be great adults.
If I openly wrote a post on here asking how many women stay in a relationship because of finances the response would be overwhelming. I know this because many of the ladies I spend my time with tell me so. Then if I asked how many of you would leave tomorrow if suddenly the debt cleared or their careers advanced to the point of being financially secure--the response would be overwhelming. Maybe we will ask that one, but I am sure I will get a lot of heat for it. You know--the one or two women out there that say they would never stay in a relationship for that reason...whatever.
I truly understand the resentment...and I am certain you will make the right decision when the time comes. Until then, just know that I appreciate your effort towards taking care of the babes! And yes...I do often wonder if the problem is us. But I look at it as being the givers of the world--somebody has to be--right? Thanks for dropping by and PLEASE come back!
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