My darling BCA:
You are the glimmering light at the end of a dark cubicle. You are such a positive, fierce female and anyone who meets you should call them self lucky. Your Tommy--while deserving, should thank God everyday that he has you to lean on...I know I do. Thanks for opening up and joining me on my crusade. You are a gift.
Jimmy--I have officially dubbed you one of my girls. Take it as a compliment. I hate girls. You have become a very trusted and needed part of my life. You are my friend without judgement you are my pillow talk pal. I value your belief in me and never stop telling me what a great ass I have! Thanks for being you.
Last, but surely not least....Little Miss Emily: She is someone who met me at my lowest point and reminded me of how to laugh, accept, and find my strength all over again. She is a winner on every level and if God ever wanted to pinpoint one person to show the world "How to be a mother" he would pick Emily. She is a blessed old soul in a vibrant young woman's body! Thank you Emily for always being there and for helping me keep my head up to shovel in the food!
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I love you so much my seasonal lover. You brighten up my glum little basement (since Denise isn't allowed to come down & play). Thank you so much for letting the BCA be a part of this.
Oh yeah, and thanks for changing the picture. I could look at it without thinking of you & your snot filled head. EWWWW
Jimmy isn't your only male reader...Ro sent me your link and so far I'm finding your blog very entertaining to read.
I'm curious what character traits would make a man good enough for one of your soul sisters. Either the expectations are unrealistic or they're been looking in the wrong places.
Welcome back Don! Glad to have you here.
My beloved soul sisters--truthfully they are remarkably easy to please. Sometimes too much and men read it the wrong way. For example--they all have a sexual past...they all have financially survived on their own for decades, and they really can get along just fine without a man in their life. Some men have a problem with that.
Trouble is...they really just want someone strong enough to accept them exactly the way they are (a little rough around the edges) and not be critical of the bullshit. These women are not big cryers, they don't whine about not having a husband/kids or going to the movies solo....they need men that will challenge them intellectually and physically--often.
Hope that makes sense. Ironically as mentioned the majority of my soul sisters including me have never been married and do not have children. I really think they are fine with that--but they would be the best life partners in the world. I would say the number one character trait that stimulates my girls is someone who can communicate and who wants a full on team effort. These chicks are some of the toughest women I have ever met and it takes a confident, strong man to understand them.
Hope you stick around Don. For the record....Ro is the evil twin--she just hides it well!
You never have to thank me Sunny, it's my pleasure to know someone as special as you. Besides, every once in a great while I get a peak at that luscious ass and I remember why I walked up to say hello at PPU.
Oh yeah, thanks for making me one of the girls. I usually have to get naked before that happens!!
You couldn't of said it better Citizen Sun! A partnership with communication and one in which both partners act as a team. I am no feminist by any means...I still need a man to stand up and "be a man"! I used to think my relationships failed cuz of me, but now, I realize that those men just weren't able to withstand my independence and my live-in-the-now moment...I'm glad another man will join this forum to interact with the IFs...Your opinions will be valued dearly...
Jimmy--your wit is superior! For the record if you get naked and she considers you one of the girls...she will probably like you more in the long run. Thanks for taking your time to have some fun with us! Please stick around....
????--I am so proud of my girls who have refrained from marriages that may have ended in divorce that I must tell everyone about it. It is hard to do. How many times have we been in love--or what we thought was love? Too many women settle and end up either rattled in a major divorce or spend the rest of their lives wishing for something and someone more. We are a unique brand of women who deserve the best! People judge us for not being PTA mom's, but instead they should praise us for not becoming statistics.
A sexual past doesn't bother me because there's a good probability that also means there will be a sexual future.
I married a vigin woman from Europe without a sexual past who is a wonderful person overall except when it comes to the bedroom. We've been married 21 years or half our life, but I've come to the conclusion we are sexually incompatible. I like a good romp twice a week and she likes one twice a quarter. As far as I'm concerned, I sleep next to my roommate and not my lover.
And don't think I haven't communicated my wants/needs to her. Here's what I've got to look forward to: sex at night only (no morning delight or nooners), missionary, little to no oral sex, and no second helpings. After years of longing, I've told her that the day I find someone to ring my bell...look out. She basically maintains a take or leave it attitude.
I've also read countless relationship books (Men are from Mars..., Light Her Fire, Dr Phil's Relationship Repair, etc) and the overall message boils down to this: Women need to feel loved in order to make love, whereas men need to make love to feel loved. Cooking, cleaning, ironing are nice bonuses, but that doesn't make a man feel loved. What women do in the bedroom is what keeps men from straying away or ultimately drives them to find another woman.
Don't get me wrong, it's a two way street and men need to do everything in their power to make their woman feel loved. Women have to communicate what makes them feel loved and he should respond accordingly to be rewarded sexually. If either partner doesn't get that, then maybe it's time to move on to bigger and better partners.
Think about it...the only thing that separates a routine relationship with other family or friends from an intimate relationship is the SEX!
Hi Don,
What amazing honesty and insight. For starters "WOW" you married a virgin. Of all the people I know in this world you take the cake on that one. I suppose marrying so young may be par for the course, but nevertheless--I commend her.
I would think that after all of those wonderfully committed years the two of you would have been able to "spruce" up the relationship or you may have been able to teach her a few things. I am guessing she just didn't go for it. I may get some criticism for this one but, I don't know how you have been able to refrain from going elsewhere. I know why...morality, respect, love, all that jazz, but amazing and note worthy Don.
You mentioned that you have not communicated your needs to her. Why? How is she suppossed to know if she has not experienced the likes/dislikes of another. My experinces have taught me to ask my mate, Do you like this? Is this ok? I learned that throughout the course of my sexual history.
I am smitten with the idea that you read the books you mentioned...have they helped with your one on one? You are obviously a fine communicator--but are you with her?
I figure after all of those glorious years--you should be able to straight forward tell her exactly what you need. I would do it in a way that won't offend her. Don't stray Don. You can never take it back.
Stay tuned, I am about to ask everyone ideas on how to brighten up the stagnant long term relationship.
Thanks for coming back Don. You are a gift.
I wrote, "And don't think I haven't communicated my wants/needs to her" meaning I have told her many times what I want and she just tells me to find someone else if I'm not satified with her.
It's like your other response where you asked me what you should do if numbnuts refuses to come home on time or do any of the household chores. At some point, you have to decide to cut your losses or be miserable the rest of your life.
My bottome line: I want to be happy with the person I'm with regardless of how much time has been invested. If both parties don't agree to meet in the middle, then I say "adios" to staying in a tilted relationship.
Forgive me on for my misread. I had assumed by the way you openly communicate on this forum that you probably had tried to discuss this matter---my mistake.
As women we tend to bascially "shut up and take it" when our relationships are sour. Mostly because of the fear of starting over or the "nuturing part" comes in and we don't want to hurt our other. And the primary reason tends to be finances. Whole other subject. So for us to walk away generally takes a very serious ordeal. Abuse, infidelities, etc.
I have to ask you--how horrible would the reprocussions be if you did terminate the relationship? After so many years I would think it would be very tramatic for all parties. Have you tried any counseling? I am not a big fan, but I have known some who have tried and succeeded.
What is it that makes your sweetie so confident? Is it you? Sometimes as women we feel as if our other needs us too much--hence the "I am his mother" topic--which in turn assures us he will not stray nor will he end the relationship.
I wish the best for you and her Don. I am in awe when I meet someone who has devoted the majority of thier life to another. My parents have been married 40 years and can still hang out everyday together and have something to say.....from what I am to understand their sex life is still active. They are a complete mystery to me.
Instead of telling her your wants and needs-have you asked her to tell you a fantasy or maybe created one for her? I have a feeling you have tried.
I honestly believe she doesn't produce enough testosterone to give her an active libido, but she won’t do anything to confirm or deny that condition. Oprah had a guest on her show once that almost lost her wonderful husband over the lack of sex. And it's more than likely hereditary since her mom’s low sex drive eventually compelled her dad to mess around and her sister complains about men liking to touch her so she doesn’t appear to like sex either. I actually found out after being married 7 years that sex was painful to her (tilted uterus), but that disappeared when our first son was born. Now she just comes up with any excuse (smells bad, Aunt Flow is visiting, too salty, etc) to keep me at arms length.
She thinks I’m going through a mid-life crisis, but I keep telling her I’m just tired of the bullshit. I’ve only got 5 more years until my daughter graduates from high school and then the nest will be empty. I don’t want to rock my son or daughter’s world too much during their teenage years, but I’m also not going to continue living the rest of my life with a roommate.
My new 6-figure civilian job after retiring from the Air Force two years ago keeps me very busy and traveling a lot. The opportunity to meet IFs will only get better with time (which might be a very reason I’m drawn to your blog so much). I hope that doesn't rub you the wrong way!
Doesn't rub me the wrong way my friend, but I am certain it will heavily affect your family.
Has the lack of sexual relations really out weighed the unity/bond? I really do feel for you Don. I don't know what I would do if I were in either of your situations, but you are welcome to voice your concerns here anytime you like. One of the chicky's here has been married about the same length as you--I need to direct her to our conversations. I know she will have a lot to add in.
No, she's still my best friend and we do lots of things together like going to the gym, raising our kids, household/kitchen chores, family trips, etc. Did I mention my shrimp fried rice is out of this world?
It hasn't gotten to the level where I've strayed yet, but if the right IF falls into my lap then all bets are off. Enough whining about it...it is what it is and I don't expect her to change anymore.
Don I have a few questions for you. You said that you and your wife still do things together like the gym, household/kitchen chores, etc., well is there anything that you two do like to do together as a couple that is not related to the house or kids? I am not sure if your wife works or not but I know that after a hard day at work I do not find that making dinner & doing dishes is spending "quality time" with my husband. And if she doesnt work, then she surely does not want to do housework together after she has spent all day in the house. Thats just not quality time. You need to go back to before you had the kids & the house & the bills. Back to when you were dating. What did you do for FUN together? And just dont assume that just because your wife doesnt do the things that she used to do, that she is still not interested in them, she probably doesnt have time anymore with taking care of the house and kids.
I know that you said that you do not have sex that often, but maybe you need to take a sexual break for a week or two. If every Tuesday & Friday you and your wife are having sex in the same position at the same time, etc. then it is just another chore for her. You have to make her want it again, which means that you have to stop sounding so desperate.
Just lay off of any sex talk for a week or two. Go out on a few dates (just the two of you) during that time, with no pressure for sex. Then after a few weeks, plan a nice evening, where nobody is around, where she had to do minimal chores & errands for the day. Run her a nice hot bubble bath, with lots of candles around the tub. When she gets out of the tub, give her a massage, and let one thing lead to another. I guarantee that this will work. If she has no excuse (she will nto be tired, she will be fresh & clean, she will be relaxed) then it will just come naturally. And dont forget to ask her what she wants...what position, does she want oral sex, does she want to role play, things like that.
Been there, done that, and got the T-shirt! She works full-time and at least half the time I have dinner cooked when she comes home and massage her feet until my hands hurt.
Our quality time prior to getting married was going to the gym together and we've finally started doing that again, but nothing has changed in the bedroom. I stopped initiating sex a long time ago because the answer was always "Not tonight, I promise tomorrow."
When I start joking about going down to the local church to apply for priesthood since I'm probably as celibate if not more than the Catholic priests, she usually throws me a bone with a "Hurry up you've got 5 minutes" invitation. If that isn’t adding insult to injury, then nothing is.
You can stick a fork in me because I’m DONE!
Ok Don, if I may say something from a married woman's point of view. I am just putting this out there and take it with a grain of salt. I am your wife. I connect with my husband in so many ways. He is my best friend, confidant, treats me like a queen, and loves me more than I have ever been loved. We have been married over twenty years and the kids are grown and gone. Sounds perfect right? Guess what-I dont want to sleep with him. Why? Because I'm not attracted to him. He thinks there is something wrong with my libido also, not the case..It's just that he doesn't do it for me and looking back, never really did.
Then she should be up front and tell me so! Could anyone put up such an act for over 20 years? I don't think so, but maybe your right and she just likes my companionship without intimacy. My gay female boss actually tried to explain to me that companionship was more of the reason to stay together with her partner than the sex.
The trouble with that possibility is that my wife has never made that condition known to me so I haven't had a chance to agree with that arrangement or not. It definitely wouldn't meet my expectations for a life partner.
Don, you would be surprised. I could get an Academy award for my performance. Think about it, it's easier to be with you than without.
Everyone says you can't have the magic forever. I disagree!!!Even being the independent woman that I am, I am scared to start over. I know I should, he deserves the best, I know I am being selfish. But is the grass really greener on the other side? So I trade the wonderful sex for the companionship, the unconditional love. This way no one can hurt me... but I do realize I am hurting myself!!!!(and him)
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