The older I get, I realize that you can be a complete piece of shit and people are going to be good to you. You can be an "ark angel" and people are going to stomp all over you. Not all the time, but it seems the worse you are anymore--the better you get treated. I don't understand it. My point--you can do absolutely nothing and be treated like a superstar. For people like me, who genuinely like helping others, but rarely get any recognition for it---this has become somewhat of a battle.
After my tremendous downfall in 2002, I realized that when the going gets tough...the help disappears. So I decided to do the same---disappear. I made a dramatic change, moved back up North and decided to focus on living as clean and proper as possible (without over doing it of course). Having been at that for almost 5 years, I have realized that it didn't make a damn bit of difference and you could be the next freaking Messiah and people would still run all over you.
If you are a natural born giver (like myself), imagine how much less stress you would have if you just stopped. No more listening every time the phone rings to someone complaining, no more loans or cash donations (since I never get the money back), forget about all the favors and putting your life on hold for others..........just stop doing all of it!!!!!
I would like to learn how to do that. I am not suggesting that we ALL become selfish little trolls, but maybe those who always put others first should just stop for awhile. Like a union strike without the picket signs. I wonder what those around us who expect this added care would do? Maybe, just maybe, they would turn the tables and start taking care of us?
Any thoughts or should I say advice on how to be less giving? I know--horrible suggestion on a Sunday morning, but I hate Sundays.
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4 comments:
Citizen Sun,
You couldn't be more right. Both in the broad and narrow sense, it is absolutely true. Knowing you as I do, I know you are quite neglected and anyone who reads the messages on this site knows that to be true.
Here's the sucky part. If you expect recognition then you're not really doing it for the right reason (which I know is not true in your case). What you, me, and probably a lot of others want is to feel appreciated by those we care about. I've never found that to be true in any circumstance other than my boys. People just suck!
You're stress will probably not decrease because you are a giver. Instead, you'll be bored, empty, or something else until you give in and be your old self. The one thing you can do is not be so complete. Help just enough but don't handle it all. {Sorry to have to do this but Jesus loves me} If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him how to fish, you feed him for life. Get the picture? It's not all fire and brimstone afterall!
My point is help them help themselves and you might actually be surprised. But don't hold your breathe waiting for the thank you.
Nicely put James except for the neglected part....don't really feel its neglect, I just picked someone who is obsessed with work. I suppose it is better than the multitude of other addictions he could have--right? Anyway, I know I will never stop being a giver-period. Problem is when you are the primary giver in your circle of life--you get less. That is my experience. I think people feel as if you don't need when you give. Honestly, I would go nuts if I didn't spend so much time trying to better the lives of those I love. I wonder how that happens?
I completely understand where you are coming from and it is extremely frustrating to give and not receive (or I should say get shitted on, you shouldn't give with expectations) but if you really care about someone you will do it until you just can't do it anymore...that's just the way you are. If you're not getting anything back then you DO need to stop before you become a bitter old woman living alone with 15 cats to keep you company. If people do not appreciate the help there may be reasons for it but that doesn't have to be your problem. If you stop, they may figure it out for themselves, which should be the ULTIMATE goal or they will come back with appreciation! It's kind of like being a parent, not that I know what that's like. A good parent is supposed to teach their children how to become independent strong people, not Dependent. The same applies to friendships, your help should be just a stepping stone to get a friend going and allow them to figure out the next step to their happiness, IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!
I have tried to stop giving my whole life---it is impossible for me to do. Often I look at giving as if I don't do it--who will? I think some people are born to take and other to give it away. Maybe that is how we are defined in the after world. Just a thought. One thing is for certain--I truly doubt there is anyone on this planet that could say I owe them!
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