My Holding Pattern....

It is Sunday morning and I woke at 5:23 A.M. Talk about someone with severely unused energy. The thing is when I rise my mind is racing and I sometimes overwhelm myself with enthusiasm only to be left.....waiting. I am writing this morning for me and I have a whole lot to say---so here goes.

I have been in a holding pattern for the past 3.5 years that is more snarled than any they have ever seen at NY's LaGaurdia. I have been on hold to unleash my talents, finally achieve the damn recognition I deserve and surpass any income that I have ever made. That my friends is a very tall order.

Let me explain---having moved back to the the place I swore at the age of 21 I would never see again was a very strategic and humble plan that has put me on this hold position that I speak of.

My life was wildly guided my me and me only. Instead of going into the boring (unless it's about you) history of my past...I will sum it up with this. I have never not had some sort of job or income since I was 15 years old. I also never once had to ask family, friends, or strangers for rent money or food. After the loss of my business (my own decision to crash by the way) I had a small stint with friends helping while I tried to figure out what the fuck happened and what the fuck now. It was much appreciated but caused more harm than any damn good. But I am grateful....in case you are reading.

The Pittsburgh move was not to be closer to my family...there I said it. The Pittsburgh move was a last resort, but a planned resort. I had always kept my drivers license in PA. I lived in California, Florida, NC with a PA residence...I never knew why I hadn't changed it and never really had thought anything about it. I figured out why in 2002. Must have been something subliminal.

When I left PA..I was enrolled in college, had a job with some high rolling lawyers making about $40,000 (under the table) and spent every day at 5 P.M. with a bunch of professionals drinking. Sounds pretty good for a 21 year old. It wasn't--I needed to be free to explore my potential---fuck structure and routine. So I dropped everything, and moved. Just like that no plan (didn't need one I knew how to work), left school, and picked a pretty little sunny, yet to explode state--NC. Knew no one there....I liked it that way.

I could go on and on about the next 12 years and a few states later. But I won't...we all have our history like I said. The point here is the drivers license. When I finally fell flat on my face after 12 years...no help....good money.....no money. That crazy notion that has always embedded in the back of my mind--What if? I came back to PA to get the education I proclaimed to have for the past 12 years. What did I just say? I claimed to have the education that everyone assumed I had.

Now why would everyone think that? I will tell you why. Because I am so fucking smart that school was and still is a complete and utter joke to me. Unless you put me in a quantitative (that means numbers folks) engineering situation that will smother the fuck out of the left side of the brain---I can learn it, do it, and explain it to someone else without any sweat. Truth is...it doesn't mean I am a genius or that I have fully mastered the craft at hand, but I can grasp it hard enough and long enough to ensure that others will believe I can and I will die trying to prove it.

That is a fucking art and one that I have yet to unleash. So back to PA. and why? Where else could I go to school as a resident (hence the drivers license) and pay $40,000 instead of $80,000. I am a resident--remember, always have been for some reason. The reason showed itself when the shit hit the fan. My family is here....maybe for once they could help, can go right back to where I left off at my old school, throw away all of the free to roam attitudes and lock myself up for a few years and get that God damn piece of people that stopped me dead in my tracks when I could no longer enjoy the lack of structure.

Hey Sunday, it does not matter how skilled you are--it does not matter how fucking smart you are or how much you love waking up at 5 A.M. or that you have never needed anyone's financial assistance in your life---or that you could help an enterprising firm make millions--today. You need your degree. Other than those wildly exciting entrepreneurs no one will accept you these days without that expensive (should have had 12 years ago)--I could have taught most of those classes myself---piece of---I am in a holding pattern fucking paper.

Whew that felt good. Yesterday I had the uncanny opportunity of meeting someone who could potentially make me a King. Yes, I said King, not Queen. I don't want to be a Queen they are second in command---I must be King. Ironically, I had just sent one of my (as you can imagine) explosive letters to his firm stating my excellence and intention. I had no idea I would be attending a luncheon where he would be speaking-coincidence? Truth be told I just need his firm to place me while I give another 20K for more education so I can really prove I am smart.....that is what the paper says. I think the paper says I have held back all of my potential for another 3 years and it makes me want to explode.

Now I have to play the entry level, willing to work 70 hours a week to show you I can do it, while I get another degree (cause I can), so that the real company I see myself ruling will even sneeze my way. I am reaching for big, big, power. Do any of you think like that? Or do you think settling for a JOB of 40-50K is acceptable? This man yesterday said something that made me want to work for him even more. He said, "People ask him all the time, Can I make money in PR?" He answered, "You can make money when you finally get the chance to do what you love--regardless." The bad part is...sometimes you have to wait to prove to everyone that what you love you can do better than most.

I am not sure what this rant is about--oh yes, my holding pattern. Do you know how frustrating it is for someone so personality type A--to wait for an opportunity? It is like someone is sitting on me while holding a pillow over my head and just giving me enough breath to make it for 3.5 years. Or putting a wild animal in a cage and telling it--just hang on big girl we'll have you out of here in a few years.

Have you ever made a list of great titles you know you could master with the right amount of immediate (a good mentor) guidance with continued and acquired experience. I have and it is wild. I am going to list them.....I really believe I can do all this shit.

I could be one of the best.....

Sports Agents
Professor (I strive for the likes of NYU, Columbia, some place like that)
Magazine Article Writer
Publicist (Big name stars or political figures---this is my dream job!)
Mother (my child would be so well rounded and motivated it would be sick)
Sports Commentator (sidelines) I wanted to do that before it was acceptable--imagine that.
Crisis Negotiator
Advertising Executive (I mean big commercials, not little brochures or piss ass news releases)
Senator (I am arrogant enough and actually care about public policy)
Political/Entertainment Spokesperson--I can spin it like nobodies business
Executive Assistant to a major CEO--I am talking Donald Trump, August Busch III, or Martha.

Guess what? Not only do I need a degree to get anywhere near these exhilarating careers--I better fucking know somebody. There is no way in hell to get any big wig job unless you can get someone to walk your ass in the door. And you better be willing and able to do everything and anything you are asked to do. If I could get a private list of where the people whose careers I want to master have happy hour---I could get the job. That is how the world is run and that is how it will remain.

OK, I am done now. Just needed to get that off my chest. I really don't expect any comments sometimes I just write to hear myself think.

sb