Hardening of the Heart...

A very dear and respected male friend of mine has suggested a topic that I believe is affecting him--so it is our duty to see if we can give some positive insight. Since most of us can relate to this issue, I am sure all perspectives will be appreciated. So here it goes:


Why is it so difficult for us to open up and accept a potential new relationship after our hearts have been destroyed?


I will address this from my personal experience. I had a 5 years stint with someone for whom I would truly consider the love of my life. He was not all what I had dreamed of, but he was the only person that I feel I loved enough to have considered marriage and children with. Sadly, he was no where near mature enough or committed enough to make me pursue that direction, but I loved him immensely--still do.

After the end of the relationship which was trying throughout....I immediately put up my defenses and decided that no one would ever make me feel that way again. The feelings I speak of are unconditional love, fear, joy, resentment, excitement, jealousy, anger, betrayal, and unbridled sexual passion.

I was not young per say when this relationship ended...I was 31. When it finally did, I felt a tremendous loss and a lot of feelings of mistrust. I figured if these feeling could result with him, they may occur again and I would not let that happen. So for about 2 years I stayed as far away from any man that could potentially sway me to love again. I really didn't think I could ever fully regain those emotions---even though the one I had originally loved was so wrong for me. I didn't know that then...hell I just figured that out recently.

I did eventually establish a new relationship (the one I have now), but I do think the loss that I felt from my past love has rolled over to make me more aware of his faults and not as accepting. So, is Numnuts being punished because of my previous love. Maybe a little. It is not intentional, nor do I compare the two, but the amount of grief I felt when we parted was so much that I will never let anyone make me love them that much.

So..my advice to you my dear friend: Give it time, do not ask for more than you are willing to give, talk with her openly about your willingness to be patient, and make an effort to show your unique qualities. When a woman has fallen hard..it is something she will never forget. No matter how wonderful life becomes, if we gave our heart once--we can give it again, but it may have shrunk a little or now wears a protective coat, but it can and will be used once the fear has subsided.

If she is truly worth it to you...the time you have with her will be valuable. It may not be or ever be the full amount you want, but do not take it personally. New age women have decided that we can survive without being led by a man and many whose hearts have hardened have found it easier to just do without. I do not think that is the best recourse, but for some it may take years of self discovery and the eventual lonliness to kick in--but the odds are she will come around if you are worth it. And my friend you are worth it so just be patient.


Please share some of your experiences.....