Question: How does everyone feel about my idea that it should be law that married couples MUST evaluate their relationship every 3 years?" Let me elaborate.....
I think we would lower the divorce rate if upon year 3 we were required to sit amongst an impartial mediator and evaluate the happiness and effectiveness of our chosen one. Sounds silly, but think about it. What if when you decided to say "I do"---you do so knowing that you must only adhere to that commitment for 3 years and then you will both have a chance to "opt out" if your expectations have not been met.
Before everyone reads into this as it always seem to happen....I am not referring to me and Numnuts (we are not married), but I am referring to so many I know who have failed with their "lifelong" commitment. That statement alone says it all....I don't think they have failed, but my divorced friends have said it over and over again!
Till death do you part....WOW that is insane! How in the world can you stand there and promise such a thing? That is a lot of pressure!!! There is no other aspect in your life that requires you to succumb to such an idea...till death. I will take this great job, till death. I would like to use your lawn mower Bob, till death do I give it back! My favorite food is pizza..till death. I will honor thy parents..till death. I know many who sadly loathe their parents. You get my drift.
Here is what I believe happens. You are colorfully in love. Awwww. Kiss, kiss, hug, hug..whatever. Back to reality and along comes that dreaded--"Don't worry honey, we won't become that routine couple." Day in, day out, you work, you manage your household, maybe throw a kid in the mix and "POW"--we now have what is to be the rest of your life.
I don't think it is fair. By year 3--you have a better understanding of one another. The va va voom simmers down, you look forward to seeing your mate, but you also look forward to seeing if your mate is going to clean out the garage, fix the damn dishwasher, or throw you on the kitchen floor for a good romp (like he used to back in year 1 & 2).
So what if we have an option to--well, "opt out" without any catastrophic loss. Think about it....when you say, "I do" traditionally, this is "I do" forever. Well, since we all know that is not the case anymore, what if the "I do" was for 3 years and then all parties have an opportunity to sign on for 3 more and on and on. Just knowing that you are supposed to have this mate for life creates a lot of pressure to make it work. Then, if it fails there is so much grief and your entire world crumbles. Ever seen a good divorce? All I see is complete and utter disaster and inhumane hatred--not a pretty sight.
Devising a 3 year plan will soften that blow for the so many that are surprised when their lifelong lover changes his or her mind. They used to call it the 7 year itch. By year 7 you have completely lost your own identity and way too much at stake. By year 3, all joint assets (which means acquired together) will be divided equally without that monstrous battle and if a kid fell in the mix--both parties shall maintain equal custody without the inhumane battle that is sadly par for the course per divorces.
OK, just my thought. Hey, look at it this way...When you want to start a business you are supposed to develop a 5 year plan. Banks want it, private investors want it---you must have one. This soon to be business owner will "commit" to this venture like nothing they have ever committed to in their life, day in and day out. So why not a 3 year plan for something you have little control of?
I mean seriously, who can predict what will happen, how someone might change, or even determine if you really love someone until some time has passed. It is impossible. Just think of the joy and excitement that would come on the 3 year anniversary and you walk out of the room saying, "Glad we both agree" no harm, no foul.
For the record: My parents have been happily married for 41 years and have set the finest example of "till death do you part." Alas, my mom pokes my dad in the morning and says: "Hey you old bastard, dead yet?" It is a family joke..maybe not for everybody!
4 comments:
Upon reading the initial sentences, I thought 'My God, she's on crack.' But the more I read, the more I agree. A three-year contract sounds awesome. Equal distribution of mutual assets and children would alleviate so much anger if the end comes. Then at year 2.5 you could say,'honey, I remember when you used blow me for hours. What happened? Did you get lock jaw or something!'
Great idea Sunny. You should run for President!
Don’t we have that now? I believe it’s called dating and it’s called that for a good reason. It is this period of time when we explore each others likes and dislikes that will allow us to make informed and educated decision as to whether or not we want to consummate the relationship and take it to a higher level of living, loving and responsibility. A level that enables us to enrich one another’s lives and grow together or decide not and move on. This type of enrichment can only be gained by the two said parties proclaiming their love for one another and agreeing to love one another through good times and bad, through sickness and health, till death do you part. This enrichment can only be obtained through marriage were both parties have equal say in the day to day doings of their “family” and their opinions are respected as such. This can never be obtained while dating. Nor while living together under one roof with separate priorities, commitments, responsibilities and sharings.
I know far too many people who are in relationships with people they don’t love or who aren’t loved by their partner. Still, they chose to stay in the pre-marriage relationship and eventually take the next step and become one under the “marriage” label. They become comfortable and enjoy the material objects that their partner provides, but don’t receive the love, respect and time shared together that each person inherently craves. These people are destined to a life of loneliness and continual battles of depression because they lack the fundamentals of a basic relationship such as sharing and togetherness. Some of the best couples I know are as poor as dirt. They don’t have the big screen TV, a really good stereo system, or an SUV parked in the driveway. Some don’t even have a driveway, but they do have each other and the love they share could never be replaced by such materialistic things as I have just mentioned. If they make it big, then they make it together. They are best friends of one another and do not suffer from the hang-ups of those who throw everything to the way side (including their partner) to make it "big" in today’s society. They are by far the richest people I know.
I, like you, know many good people who have been destroyed (both financially and mentally) through the always cruel and selfish act of divorce, but to offer a three year opt out is nothing more than a cop out. That’s like saying I’ll stay with you through the good times (usually the 1st 3-5 yrs), but as soon as they’re not so good I’ll see you later because I have this opt-out clause in our marriage contract and our three years is almost up. And three years? Could anyone honestly get comfortable with one another if you had the slightest doubt about what might happen at your three year review? That does not sound like a stable environment at all. So after 2.5 years together each person in the so-called “marriage” should start checking out who they want to move onto next because in six months the possibility exists that their partner may opt-out during the review. WOW!
If we jump ship or are offered the opportunity to opt-out every three years (as you suggest) what have we learned? What have we Become? Who are we now? Would this type of action not make for an unstable society? Relationships of those who chose marriage must struggle together through the good and bad times. Each one of us must face and endure hard times occasionally and I would not want to be with someone who was not willing to stand by me and struggle through it with me as my partner.
We all hit dry spots in our relationships with our partners and even with our “Friends”. Usually, but not always, things come back around and we find ourselves once again in “good” times with one another. It is when things come back around that remind us of why we have chosen this said partner to share our life with. Three years is not enough time to discover the kind of person our selected spouse is or the type of relationship the said marriage can become.
Love is only to share and iF we move on after only three years then I can not see how we could ever have loved at all. Maybe it would just be random acts of infatuation or lust that so many seem to confuse with love these days. And love, well love is another subject all its own.
I'm all for random acts of infatuation or lust (preferabley lust)!!!!
I'm surprised no one has mentioned the religious aspect of the act of marriage...not that I have anything to say on that matter that wouldn't completely offend someone. I still don't understand why we even have to say these ridiculous vows i.e. "till death to u part" to get a piece of paper claiming your "married"...how does saying some words and obtaining an "official" document make your commitment to each other stronger, I think if anything it probably makes it worse (well, if you go thru a divorce it would).
So, with that, I say, i love the 3-yr plan but let's do it for relationships too, not just marriages...you can use it for women who get pregnant too...nothing wrong with a little guidance in this crazy world we reside
The heck with marriage at all I say Polygamy is the answer. Having more than one spouse (male or female) at a time, such as one man with several wives or one woman with several husbands. Now that where I want to be. Monogamy & marriage at all is sooo yesterday. Lets just keep doing it, doing it, and doing it right. Where ever and with whom ever we chose.
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