Hello sweets. That is my newest greeting to those I care for. Anyway, lately I have found myself discussing and of course listening to a various individuals talking about their "committed" relationships. What I have discovered is no secret, but to hear it over and over again and quite honestly relate to it in some sense is sad and should be addressed.
My "research" has shown that more than 85% of women who are in a committed relationship for more than 3 years claim to feel trapped in their supposed bliss because they CAN'T AFFORD TO LEAVE! YIKES!!!!! I swear to God this has been the response of almost everyone woman I come across. It send chills up my spine when I think about this (as I do of course) over and over. So let's explore exactly what that means.
Let's say her name is Sandy. She is 32, beautiful, has two little ones (also beautiful) and her other half, Paul is the primary bread winner. Now Sandy has remained a great companion, mother, home maker, and even put a massive attempt into obtaining her education and has dreams of becoming a marketing mega star! Here's the problem: Paul is an ass. He treats Sandy like a child and not like an equal. He clearly enforces that she is the lesser of the two because she is not providing the household income and has even tossed poor Sandy and the babes to the curb a few times. Tell me what Sandy is to do?
My immediate response to Sandy is to bury that SOB, but in reality she has no where to go, no money to get there, and ultimately feels like a failure breaking apart her family. So, she stays, takes his verbal abuse and will most likely spend the rest of her life wishing she were somewhere else. The only other possibility is when Sandy finishes school, she will get a job in her desired career path and be able to tell jackass Paul to go fuck himself. But do you know how hard that will be with two kids in tow? I couldn't even imagine.
Next case: Gina. She and her man Tony have been together for 4 years. They had planned early on to work together to make a future and all was heavenly bliss for the first 2 years. Tony is a workaholic, never even attempts to spend any time with Gina, nor does he appreciate her for the never ending love and care that she displays for him on a daily basis. So what's the problem? Gina has been busting her ass to achieve a new career goal for the past 4 years. When she met Tony she had just recovered from falling flat on her face after a 10 year run of independent success and failure. OK still no big deal, but here it comes.......although Tony is not a bad guy per say, he has never taken any interest in her abilities, potential, dreams or any of her wants and needs. He has basically pulled her in and left her to spend 7 days a week with no one. For the record: Tony does not share in his success with her--other than paying the majority of the household bills. She fends for herself, but has the ease of not paying the mortgage. Her name is not on the house so she refuses to pay rent to him. Tony throws that one in her face all the time.
Why you might ask? Because Tony is again the primary bread winner. His income surpasses hers and he is well aware that if Gina leaves him because of her loneliness she will struggle economically and her plans that she has been working on for their future may crumble because she will have to probably work 2-3 jobs to remain in the lifestyle she is accustomed to. OK, some might say, "If she is that unhappy then she should just leave and so what if she has to live in a little rinky-dink apartment and work 10 jobs." After 4 years of truly standing beside her man, making his life as comfortable and pleasant as possible..why should she have to struggle and give up her dreams just because he is a spoiled baby? So she sits and she waits. She is waiting for one of two things: Either Tony is going to wake up one day and realize what a prize he really has (in reality we all now this is not going to happen) or Gina is finally going to get what she is working towards and then be torn as to whether she CAN leave him or not.
You might be saying--why wouldn't she leave him if she is that unhappy? Here is her answer: The guilt is overbearing and although Tony could care less about her happiness, she knows he is not a bad guy. She also is one of those women who is prone to putting every one's happiness before her own. She thinks if and when she decides she can't stand to be alone anymore she will hurt workaholic Tony and that makes her feel sorry. So what do you think Gina should do?
With all that being said the truth of both stories and of the many others I have encountered the bottom line is this: most of the women who are experiencing this type of discomfort really had all intentions of loving their selected mate until death do you part. Now it seems that these beauties are living each day wondering, when and if. Not a good way to spend the day. Maybe, just maybe the Tony's and Paul's of the world will just stop and realize that eventually the ones they hold under the thumb can never be replaced and hopefully for all involved it won't be too late.
My "research" has shown that more than 85% of women who are in a committed relationship for more than 3 years claim to feel trapped in their supposed bliss because they CAN'T AFFORD TO LEAVE! YIKES!!!!! I swear to God this has been the response of almost everyone woman I come across. It send chills up my spine when I think about this (as I do of course) over and over. So let's explore exactly what that means.
Let's say her name is Sandy. She is 32, beautiful, has two little ones (also beautiful) and her other half, Paul is the primary bread winner. Now Sandy has remained a great companion, mother, home maker, and even put a massive attempt into obtaining her education and has dreams of becoming a marketing mega star! Here's the problem: Paul is an ass. He treats Sandy like a child and not like an equal. He clearly enforces that she is the lesser of the two because she is not providing the household income and has even tossed poor Sandy and the babes to the curb a few times. Tell me what Sandy is to do?
My immediate response to Sandy is to bury that SOB, but in reality she has no where to go, no money to get there, and ultimately feels like a failure breaking apart her family. So, she stays, takes his verbal abuse and will most likely spend the rest of her life wishing she were somewhere else. The only other possibility is when Sandy finishes school, she will get a job in her desired career path and be able to tell jackass Paul to go fuck himself. But do you know how hard that will be with two kids in tow? I couldn't even imagine.
Next case: Gina. She and her man Tony have been together for 4 years. They had planned early on to work together to make a future and all was heavenly bliss for the first 2 years. Tony is a workaholic, never even attempts to spend any time with Gina, nor does he appreciate her for the never ending love and care that she displays for him on a daily basis. So what's the problem? Gina has been busting her ass to achieve a new career goal for the past 4 years. When she met Tony she had just recovered from falling flat on her face after a 10 year run of independent success and failure. OK still no big deal, but here it comes.......although Tony is not a bad guy per say, he has never taken any interest in her abilities, potential, dreams or any of her wants and needs. He has basically pulled her in and left her to spend 7 days a week with no one. For the record: Tony does not share in his success with her--other than paying the majority of the household bills. She fends for herself, but has the ease of not paying the mortgage. Her name is not on the house so she refuses to pay rent to him. Tony throws that one in her face all the time.
Why you might ask? Because Tony is again the primary bread winner. His income surpasses hers and he is well aware that if Gina leaves him because of her loneliness she will struggle economically and her plans that she has been working on for their future may crumble because she will have to probably work 2-3 jobs to remain in the lifestyle she is accustomed to. OK, some might say, "If she is that unhappy then she should just leave and so what if she has to live in a little rinky-dink apartment and work 10 jobs." After 4 years of truly standing beside her man, making his life as comfortable and pleasant as possible..why should she have to struggle and give up her dreams just because he is a spoiled baby? So she sits and she waits. She is waiting for one of two things: Either Tony is going to wake up one day and realize what a prize he really has (in reality we all now this is not going to happen) or Gina is finally going to get what she is working towards and then be torn as to whether she CAN leave him or not.
You might be saying--why wouldn't she leave him if she is that unhappy? Here is her answer: The guilt is overbearing and although Tony could care less about her happiness, she knows he is not a bad guy. She also is one of those women who is prone to putting every one's happiness before her own. She thinks if and when she decides she can't stand to be alone anymore she will hurt workaholic Tony and that makes her feel sorry. So what do you think Gina should do?
With all that being said the truth of both stories and of the many others I have encountered the bottom line is this: most of the women who are experiencing this type of discomfort really had all intentions of loving their selected mate until death do you part. Now it seems that these beauties are living each day wondering, when and if. Not a good way to spend the day. Maybe, just maybe the Tony's and Paul's of the world will just stop and realize that eventually the ones they hold under the thumb can never be replaced and hopefully for all involved it won't be too late.
3 comments:
Wow, I really feel for those ladies. I also know what it's like as my marriage was much like you described except that I was ignored even though I earned the bacon, took care of the house, etc.
Here's my advice. Both ladies need to find their financial independence first. Yes it will be hard, but if that's the issue how much do they really want it. Then they will have leveled the playing field and hopefully cause their men to realize what they truly have. If the men don't change then they have to say goodbye. As painful as it might be, you will never be happy being unhappy. That might sound silly but I've been there and I know. I cried as my life got flushed down the toilet because I still loved her. (We know I had a lot worse) It's ten years later but I'm climbing back up and they can too.
As a bonus, their children will be filled with respect for them because they will realize, as they get older, how hard their mom worked.
I wish them the best.
Gina and Sandy are on two separate paths, but heading for the same destination. While Sandy is in a far worse “current” position due to the verbal abuse to which I am sure the children have both witnessed, she has, it would appear, become reliant on Paul’s income to support not only herself, but her children as well. This scenario is by far the worse of the two situations, but that is not to say the other is easy or should be tolerated by any means. No one should put up with or have to deal with being told they are the lesser of a relationship. That is not a relationship but instead a sentence of anguish and mental torture. A relationship consists of two equals struggling and striving toward one common goal. While I understand the attachment after a certain amount of time what I do not understand is if she feels the situation is going to get better because clearly it will not. What will it be like after 7 years or even 10. To throw this lady and her children to the curb is an awful statement. If he was a real man with true feelings for her and the children he would leave the home so that he would not become confrontational in front of the children. My biggest fear, with the little bit of information given, is that these young children will grow-up to think this is an acceptable way of life and seek out partners later in life to treat them or to treat their partner in this fashion. I would say run, run now, go to a relative’s home or a friend’s home and figure out where to go from there. This type of situation will only get worse and if it hasn’t already will more than likely become physically violent. Not Good!!!!!
As for Gina, a relationship does not mean you are in it alone. They call that being single. If it was discussed early in the relationship that it had to be this way for X amount of time because they (Gina & Tony) were trying to build something together then it would be more understandable and only acceptable for the X amount of time agreed upon and then re-evaluated by the both of them together at the end of the time frame. To say Gina would struggle financially is not an acceptable reason to stay. Who doesn’t struggle financially these days??? The more you make the more you spend, but struggling can build character and respect for having to work hard to obtain the “wants” in life. While you claim that Tony is not a bad guy he certainly is not a good guy. It sounds like he has the “Peter Pan” syndrome. He doesn’t want to grow up and as long as Gina continues to act like his mother (After 4 years of truly standing beside her man, making his life as comfortable and pleasant as possible) he does not have to. She probable does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping etc herself. And for what, to be left alone day in and day out only to be reminded that her name is not on the home that they share. B.S. I do not think Tony will change, it just does not work that way. It sounds more like he needs a women who is less independent who wouldn’t mind being left alone 7 days a week (crazy). There are women out there who are looking for that, why I have no idea, but there are. She will not hurt Tony. She may slow him down for a brief period of time (and even that is debatable), but she won’t hurt him. It sounds like he may not even know she is gone until he doesn’t have clean underwear to put on or there is no food ready and waiting to be re-heated when he gets home. So the question is not how long will she put up with this, the question is when will she take charge of her life by grabbing it by the horns and just go.
Note: On Tony’s behalf there is the possibility that he was a rebound relationship for Gina since it was stated that when she “met Tony she had just recovered from falling flat on her face after coming out of a 10 year run of independent success and failure”. It is possible that she had not recovered as completely as she had thought and Tony recognized this and gave up on her. Not enough background information to make an educated assessment.
Dully noted: Both comments are a fine contribution to this site and very much appreciated.
Jimmy as always---when you put the jokes aside, your understanding and appreciation for the task of love and committment really shine. You my friend deserve a valuable and attentive team mate. She must be wildly creative and open to your light heartedness. Let's not forget a little freaky! I as always appreciate your respect for women--thank you.
Anon: I am fascinated by your wisdom. Usually I can identify the gender of the mystery contributors, but not this time. My guess--you are male with a history of a rock solid relationship. Somehow though you respectfully see both sides and may have possibly applied such understanding in your own experiences. I enjoy your obvious intelligence and your ability and willingness to write your clear and concise thoughts on this subject. You obviously have a great deal of respect for women and if I am correct with your gender--we thank you.
Bottom line...you are absolutely right. Sadly, Gina and Sandy are the mere few I speak of. I just want to know and relish in on woman's happiness with her choice in companions. Other than my mother of course. Fast fact: All of the women I am referring too are full on aware of their need for complete finacial independence, but holding patterns can be a bitch. These things take a lot of time and planning to ensure success. Thanks for dropping in....please come back.
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